Dad had a heart attack today. We will be spending Christmas in the hospital. Very soon, this year will be over.
Sometimes when things are quiet, I can't help but reflect. It's during those times that everything hits. Like a ten ton truck it collides in my head, smashing apart any fluid thought. Unfortunately, these are also the times of my greatest creativity. When everything is falling into so much ancient rubble around me I can sit contentedly in the middle. The unexamined life is, after all, not worth living!
I use too many commas when I write. I am not a bad writer though, many people have expressed an interest in my work. People in the south tend to be dishonestly nice, so I never trust their opinions but I can't help but consider them. So many people can tell me over and over how good a designer I am, but until the day I am working happily in a job setting, I will not believe it. I do not consider myself a designer and I doubt I will even when I have a degree.
I do not feel like an adult and I am not treated like one. I rely on other people too much to be such an independent person. Maybe I am scared and unable to rely on myself. For everything that I know, there are ten things that I should know but don't. I would rather have my integrity than any amount of money. I have no money, so do I have immense amounts of integrity? When I have large amounts of passion and meaning in the words I say, people usually brush them aside and don't understand my intentions. Should I speak louder? I speak too quietly for all the thoughts and emotions I have inside of me.
I enjoy esoteric conversations, if for no other reason than to have them. I would rather learn from someone who has a nice voice and can teach me than to read a book. I do not like people that talk about boring things and do not realize they are boring. I enjoy being told something is boring only to find that I think it is interesting. I think anything I can talk about is boring. I think my chosen field is very boring and do not like talking about designing. Designing is based in math but I hate math. I have come to terms with the world being a math based reality by being as chaotic as possible. My randomness probably has a pattern.
This probably sounds like rambling, and it may very well be, I don't really know. Sometimes you just have to see thoughts in word. It makes it real.
Among all the mess of my brain, in the very center, I am happy. I know I can hold on to that.
I had to have Cricket put to sleep last night. My ex husband came home and found him in a bad state (you don't want details) and it was the only thing we could do. He was my little baby, the only dog I've ever been that close to.
He used to nap with me on our bed, before Matthew got home so he wouldn't get in trouble. He would run around the yard three times in the time it took me to get to the mailbox. When he was really little, he slept on my stomach and kept me warm at night.
I taught him to sit in three days: I was so proud of how smart he was. He really loved his rawhide and it was the trick to get him to sit quietly next to you. He would always come running to me when he got scared and jump in my lap.
He was the closest thing to a baby I ever want. They said he could have been saved, but there is no way I could have afforded it. Why am I left to judge whether my sweet little Scootie is worth enough to me for major debt? The Ex didn't have the ability or rationality to make that decision, I had to do it.
My poor, sweet, little Cricket.
My grades are not very good this semester, so far, and it is my fault. I received a C in my digital design class and I now know why. My teacher could not find my cd with my book files on it. I turned in two work cds because my files were too big for just one. Somewhere down the line, one got lost, or he just didn't see it (dunno how, they were back to back in the same sleeve).
He sent me an email yesterday, but I, in my great arrogance, figured there would be no problems with my lovely portfolio and didn't bother checking my email. Well, the time has passed that I could correct it, and I got a lower grade.
As for Art History, I don't know what is going on there. I attended all the classes that Nina did, but I got an FA (failure to attend) and she got a letter grade (sorry Nina, I just realized that slip of confidentiality and took it out. I owe you one :( ). I think it either has to do with my recent name change (I changed my name back to my maiden name with the registrar last week) or something odd happened. I made an A and a B on the tests we took in class, and I'm pretty damn sure I made an A on the final (it was terribly easy).
Oh well. It could be worse. As it is I averaged out with a 2.0 gpa this semester. That will bring my 3.4 down a bit, but hopefully not much. I'm just glad that grades don't matter one shit after I graduate! Oh, no rest for the wicked. Even during my break I have to deal with this!
Trying hard to speak and
Fighting with my weak hand
Driven to distraction
So part of the plan
When something is broken
And you try to fix it
Trying to repair it
Any way you can
I'm diving off the deep end
You become my best friend
I wanna love you
But I don't know if I can
I know something is broken
And I'm trying to fix it
Trying to repair it
Any way I can
Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh...
You and me are floating on a tidal wave...
Together
You and me are drifting into outer space...
And singing
Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh...
You and me are floating on a tidal wave...
Together
You and me are drifting into outer space
You and me are floating on a tidal wave...
Together
You and me are drifting into outer space...
And singing
Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh...
I forgot to put up the progress and final photos of my painting, but Nina posted them to her Flikr account which can be found here.
That should satisfy you.
Well, this semester is over as far as classes go. I have four finals left to go to, which is odd. Usually, I have none. Art teachers don't give tests or finals. It's kinda pointless. I just now (the second that I wrote that) realized how nice it is to not have tests. We just do our work, have major and minor projects, and go about our happy little lives. Your project will only be as good as you are, not based on how much information you can retain. Yeah, I like being an art student.
ANYWAY, I have finals. Two major portfoilios: one due this Friday (the hardest one) and one due Monday. I have to turn in 20 pages typed for my Creative Writing class, but I already have 19. No sweat there. Finally, at 8pm next Tuesday, I have to take my Ancient and Medieval Art History final. It won't be hard, and truthfully I liked the class. Some days would be a bit mundane, but I always, always, always learned something. When you're paying tons of money a semester to go to school, learning something every day is a huge bonus.
I have one more semester before I'm considered a senior. Upon senior year, I'll be taking Design Collaboration, Senior Thesis, etc. You know the kind: the true hallmarks of having learned a trade. A few of the other students and myself are already forming a 'group,' who will probably all graduate together. I think this happens with every set of graduates, it would only make sense. Anyway, I'm very happy to work alongside these people. They have nice ideas, and I can manage to learn some things even from them!
I'm rambling now. I should quit. I'm only halfway through my first cup of coffee though, so that explains it!
When I stop procrastinating and start working on something, I always enjoy it. You'd think I would take this to heart and just start working on work, but no. I have to procrastinate, I work better in a crunch.
Two years ago in English Composition II, I started to work early on a paper. Each day I came home and did a bit more, and I got finished with a few days to spare. I made a B. I always made A's. The teacher said it was "too-wordy," and just didn't seem right. He was right. I revised it in one ten minute span of an afternoon, resubmitted, and got an A. I NEED to procrastinate.
Anyway, I've told you of the 3'x4' painting I have due for a final in Color and Technology class. I started work on it last night and it's due Thursday. Everyone else started two weeks ago. I got so engrossed in the work (and marveling at my own amazing ability to make this blank canvas into the beautiful [almost finished] thing it is now) that I sat up till about 4am working on it.
I feel like shit, have class in an hour, and am slamming back cups of coffee like my destiny is in the bottom of the mug. One day, I'll find a happy medium. Maybe.
Oh, I am going to do a long expose on the process and final product of my painting. It is very pretty and I want to show off my lovely work. Expect it maybe by the weekend!
Pretention seeps through every crack of our art department. Every student is an "artist" and tries to put a creative spin on every project they can (against instructor directions). Personally, I am tired of hearing teachers say, "Redo this, and next time just do the project like I assigned." Yes, it's great that you are artistic and have lots of nice ideas, but I have a news flash for you: you're an art student like the rest of us, we all have nice ideas and can make pretty things.
I know for an absolute fact I am one of the best design students yet, even with that knowledge, I do not consider myself a designer. I am a student. I am learning and there are very important things I do not know. I realize this, accept it, embrace it, and use it to my advantage.
School is almost over for the semester. This translates to tons and tons of projects being dropped on me. I have a 48 page book due tomorrow by 1pm, a 3'x4' painting that has to be half done by Tuesday, a project just assigned today and due Thursday, and I need five more pages for Creative Writing class turned in within the next few hours. These are just the assignments that I can remember off the top of my head.
On top of that, my personal life is in the utmost turmoil. I have mood swings akin to someone who is bi-polar, and if I could sleep away the rest of my days, I would. Shoot me, please. Mmkay, pity parade over. Who wants to take me out for a coffee?
